It’s never easy to end things but there are positives, says Georgina Scull
When people first heard the news, they would ask one of two questions: how long were you together, and why did it end? The first answer was easy – 22 years. But the second was much, much harder. Because honest answers about long relationships can take a while.
We met at work, in the late 1990s. A basement office with hardly any light, and just two weeks to get to know each other before he moved away to start a new job. I had never dreamt of white weddings and finger food before, but I knew – as crazy as it may sound – that, one day, we would get married. And we did. Now that it is over, it’s easy to forget those early days of nicknames and picnics and colleagues commenting on our never-ending public displays of affection. We were a pair of smug marrieds. And then, gradually, very gradually, we weren’t.
Tips on how to be successful in love
Some relationships are broken by infidelity. Some by lies or abuse. Ours was more of a humdrum ending, quietly ground down by the day-to-day. We had moved abroad and back, lost three
pregnancies, had a child. Renovated a home, nicely. But the drift had set in. And by the time we realised how bad it had become, it had run away from us completely. I had stopped appreciating him, and he barely noticed me at all. We had become two people united in our unhappiness, and after six months of counselling, agreed that our relationship had run its course. It felt like the biggest of failures – both for our 10-year-old daughter, and for the hopeful pair we once were. I was absolutely petrified about what my life would be like, newly single and nearing 50, but in the three years since our split, it has been gently transformed. Yes, it has been hard. The truth is, separation – whether you chose it or your ex chose it for you – can be stressful and lonely, and can change practically every aspect of your life. But it can also be the start of something very good, and completely unexpected.
Reviving Your Relationship: 7 Expert Advice for Overcoming Challenges and Enhancing Connection
Here are the top things I have learnt along the way, things that have helped me survive my break-up. If you need them, I hope they help you too.
1 NO MORE ‘SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO’
The chances are, by the time you – or your ex – have called time on your relationship, you will have spent many hours asking yourself whether you should stay and try to make your union work, or go and admit that it has run its course. This constant back and forth is utterly exhausting. It stops you from living in the here and now, and makes you second-guess and overthink everything else that is actually good and doesn’t need fixing. When you finally make that decision, the relief will be palpable.
Psychosexual Therapy: How It Can Help Improve Your Relationship With Your Partner
2 Becoming more financially literate
If you are used to having joint accounts, or to your partner overseeing both of your finances, you will now be forced – quite possibly against your will – to become more financially literate. This is a good thing. Pensions, savings and how much it costs to run your home can be overwhelming, but once mastered, you will feel much more content and in control.
3 Your extended family becomes (more) optional
Families can be tricky at the best of times, but family members from the other side of the aisle can sometimes be even harder to cope with. The good news, post-break-up, is that those extended family visits will probably become less and less frequent. And when they do happen, you may feel more able to speak your mind too.
Reviving Your Relationship: 7 Expert Advice for Overcoming Challenges and Enhancing Connection
4 Finding out who your real friends are
I had always assumed that in the hardest of moments, your friends would be there for you. Unfortunately, when it comes to big life changes like divorce, this isn’t always the case. In fact, in my experience, people seemed to naturally migrate into two distinct groups – the friends who will listen and support you, and the ones who will silently disappear. Although hurtful, this really is a blessing in disguise. You will get to find out who your real friends are. >>
‘I HAD STOPPED APPRECIATING HIM; HE BARELY NOTICED ME’
5 DATING AND THE POSSIBILITY OF NEW SEX
Again, this might seem like an overwhelming and, frankly, scary prospect after sleeping with the same person for a very long time, but never underestimate the element of fun that is out there waiting to be had. Going for a date, talking online, even just holding hands can be a revelation, especially when any level of intimacy might have become an anomaly in your old relationship. So, if you can, try to resist the urge to go scouting for a replacement partner too soon, and enjoy yourself instead.
Sexting Teens Likely To Be Sexually Active
6 Redrawing your boundaries
Starting again is a great opportunity to have another look at all the different boundary lines you already have in place. It gives you a chance to think about the things you are willing to do for others, and what you expect in return.
7 Rediscovering what you love
None of us are who we used to be, so now is the time to rediscover what you like, what you love, and what you enjoy. Play with new clothes, try new hobbies, test new food. The split has probably forced you way out of your comfort zone already, so keep going – you never know what you will find.
8 Modelling a healthy relationship for your children
If you have kids, then they will probably be your biggest concern. But if they are seeing two people they love arguing, fighting or ignoring each other, then stepping away from all of that can allow you to model what a healthy and loving relationship can look like – even if it’s just with yourself.
9 BEING HONEST WITH YOURSELF
The only thing larger than the divorce rate for first marriages is the divorce rate for second ones. This might be due, in part, to the fact that anyone who has been through one major relationship split may be less inclined to put up with any nonsense in their next. But it might also be down to us not learning from our own mistakes. So once the dust has settled, take the time to sit down and be honest with yourself about the things you’d like to do differently next time, so those missteps won’t be repeated.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases Treatment India
10 And finally, being free
After years, maybe even decades, of compromise, you are now free. Not free from the everyday constraints of bills, childcare and work – but free to choose what other things will now fill your life, free to choose what new roads you will travel down, and free to choose what friends and relationships will join you along the way. Enjoy it.
‘SEPARATION CAN BE THE START OF SOMETHING VERY GOOD, AND COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED’
Medical Tourism India Blog 